exhausted

I spent 11 hours drinking downtown last night. I don't know why, but I do know it was awesome.

I remember loudly talking about something I probably shouldn't have tried to talk about under the influence. I know it got me judged, but here's a little something that might help: I'm tired of feeling like I've lost and I'm defeated about the same old crap time after time for over a year now. Since day one, I've been trying to figure out what the "right" thing to do is and always always always never give anyone a reason to talk about me negatively. It's exhausting. It really is. Sometimes when you just want to kick and scream and throw punches, your head tells you it's better to take the high road. Maybe eventually, people will look at you and say, "Through all that bullshit, she handled it okay." And tons of people have told me I have been handling it well. People say it would be acceptable for me to do horrible things to the people who have put me through months of agony for no good reason. I won't. Well... a couple weeks ago, maybe I did something wrong. But in life, people say if you do the right things, you'll get rewarded appropriately. On the other hand, if you treat people bad, karma will come and bite you in the ass. But what happens when you continually try to do the right thing and everything still doesn't start to go your way? Do you earn karma "freebies" for putting up with tons of bullshit for no reason? These ideas run through my head, and basically it comes down to, if I out the truth, I'm really only telling it like it is even if observing the consequences would be completely selfish. I feel like certain people will only be getting what they deserve, and karma is served. But I've been told it's not up to me to delegate karma, which makes sense. So I'll keep my mouth shut for now. I hope I don't regret that.

tanked

proud

So it's no surprise this weekend rocked ass. I started out the weekend by celebrating an OLD friend's birthday. Amazing to see that someone I've legitimately known since I started the first grade is going to find himself in a PhD program at Yale in the fall. And it's also amazing that the minute you think Clemson is ALL the same people knowing the same people, you find yourself at a party with only one familiar face. Big victories for some, small victories for me.

Saturday was just an awesomely refreshing day. Sometimes you just have to eat steaks and giggle as you dare your girl friend to hit on the cute waiter, sing loudly in the car to guilty pleasures, yell unnecessarily at flipcup in public, and drink alcoholic beverages out of ridiculous containers such as fish tanks and tubes.

And I have a favorite person to talk to on the phone til I pass out.

my new love

too bad he's not mine...

blogs are lame without pictures

trivia night

ohh-kay

This is how it always happens:
Me: We should go to happy hour.
Kat: Yeah, but we have a lot of stuff to do.
Me: Yeah, you're right, it'll just set us back hours.
Kat: We should go to happy hour.
Me: Ohh-kay... just one pitcher.
Kat: Ohh-kay. Each.
So if you're wondering why I'm posting at 5am, that's why. No I wasn't out til 5am, just 5:30pm-midnight. I went to bed right after getting home but only slept for about 4 hours before my body realized it hated me. On a Tuesday. And it's never just one pitcher. And it's never just one pitcher each even. Two pitchers of LITs were followed by two pitchers of beer, and along the way, we became guinea pigs in the Joint's decision making process of determining the shot of the day. Let me tell you this: the Joint puts elaborate, extensive research into deciding the shot of the day; the shot of the day isn't haphazardly selected from a list of drinks. A lot of unhappy shots were made before reverting back to an old favorite. Can't complain about $1 lemon drops ever. Anyhow, I'm out there being good when I drink now, sort of. I did recklessly drunk dial sober friend on his birthday, which is not the first time in '06 that I've drunkenly yelled at a friend, "I'M OUT THERE CELEBRATING FOR YOU, KILLER. THIS ONE IS FOR YOU." Ahh. Tacky.

On an unrelated note, it's eerie how much my life has fallen in line with one of my best friend's life. It's one of the best things out there though because I know life isn't focusing it's shit on me. Sometimes we're out there making terrible decisions, but the only people who can understand why are people who have the same life. Plus we even get to yell obscenities and bitchy comments using literally the same name.

Ahh decisions. It always comes back to decisions. I'm really honestly completely convinced that it doesn't really matter what decisions you make; you're going to end up where you're supposed to be. Conversely, things that were never meant to be can't be forced to happen because regardless of how much you thought you wanted them, it's just not what's in the big game plan. It's just so weird because sometimes I look back and think about all the "what-ifs" and "shoulda coulda wouldas", and I now realize they had absolutely no effect on how someone sees me. I remember reading a Jennifer Aniston quote in People what seems like a million years ago (at most, 6 years ago) that is quite possibly the best example of God's passion for dramatic irony: "You can't help who you fall in love with." (Yes, I did just mention Jennifer Aniston and God in the same sentence because it's my f-ing blog and I do what a want.) There's just no way to explain why "it" exists between certain people, and why "it" doesn't exist between others. You can't fake it, you can't make it happen, you can't settle when it's not there. That's why it's fine to let things go if you're unsure of whether or not they're right, it's okay to lose your cool and act impulsively because life and loves will forgive you, and it's not necessary to rush into things you think are going to make you happy. I got floored this week. I had one of those never-in-a-million-years when-pigs-fly over-my-dead-body moments actually happen to me, and it just taught me to forget about it all. My little alcohol-soaked mind is tired of me overanalyzing everything (as I hypocritically overanalyze everything...). Basically what I'm saying here is that I'm going to be lazy, here on out. Just gonna let it happen.

Back to bed before my two presentations today? Maybe...

stream of consciousness

It's kind of weird. There are tons of things going on in the life right now, mostly really awesome stuff. But I'm having a problem coming up with anything interesting to say for this blog. I used to write about everything on the old website, but now I think I blow all my wit on awkward situations that I just don't know what to do when it comes to writing stuff down. Let's just face it: maybe you've heard of one of my most recent awkward situations that included an unnecessary barrage of wit that probably just made everyone uncomfortable.

I have had a couple of other awkward moments. For one, I was called out for certain things written about quite possibly one of my most ridiculous nights to date. I have a good idea of about 20% of my audience here, but the rest is up in the air and so I'm usually pretty careful about the things I say. What do you say back when someone says to you, "So I found out through your blog that you don't want to make out with me." Eeek.

Secondly, I was helping out a friend today by giving a 9 year old boy a lift from his house to violin practice and then to a basketball game, and I was making sure I filtered my rhetoric and all my basic idiosyncrasies. I also turned my cell phone to silent because even though I get a giggle out of Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" when my cell phone rings, I didn't think it was appropriate for the audience at hand. So I make some conversation with Billy (yeah, I know his name is Tim), and it kind of dies down for a minute so I decide to see what's on the radio. FIRST song to play, "My Humps".

Back to the reference to the old website, I like to look back on it and read some of the serious things I said back when. So much has changed in a couple years' time. In a conversation not too long ago, a friend of mine said to me, "After all that, I just don't know how you'd trust again." I never really stopped trusting people though, I stopped trusting certain people and certain types of people. That's the thing though, I think actually I didn't trust enough of the right kind of people. They're all over the place in my life though, I just had to find them.

I've stayed up way later than anticipated. I just had a really great day.

School's good; lots to do always. Looking forward to that May 12th.